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be the responsible one, the parent

On the heels of the announcement that Harvard’s Berkman Center is creating a task force to study security applications, Verizon has announced a partnership with Web Wise Kids to teach kids how to safely and responsibly use wireless phones. Unlike the Harvard study, I think this is a much more appropriate use of money to work towards keeping kids safe.

But at the same time, now parents have yet another place that they could get information on keeping their kids safe online. In fact, if you search the term “family internet safety” on Google, you get over 4.2 million results. As a parent, how can you possibly be able to digest all these different messages?

 

I recommend reviewing the safety messages from a few different organizations. I think you’ll see that many of them carry similar advice for internet safety. Some of these include don’t give out personal information, keep the computer in a central location of the home, make sure your security software is up to date and monitor what your kids are doing online.

As a parent, you need to take this advice and apply them to your own family. Every family has it’s own needs. Perhaps you need a kid-safe browser for the youngsters, or perhaps your little ones cannot go online unless you are sitting with them. Both of these methods will help ensure that your child only participates in approved activities.

It gets trickier as your kids get older. Many families choose to monitor what their kids are doing online with the aid of software. In fact, I need to take a moment to applaud some parents from Wausau, Wisconsin. The parents went out of town and left their teenage daughter at home. They were monitoring her MySpace page and learned that she was planning an underage drinking party. The parents returned early from their trip, called the Sheriff to report the party. In fact, the deputies issued 29 underage drinking citations at the house.

I think this is a great example of responsible parenting. They suspected something was wrong, investigated and when they discovered that indeed there was a problem. And, there were consequences not only for their daughter, but also her friends.

Obviously your child might not be in the exact same situation, but the overall lesson is the same. If you suspect there is a problem, there very well could be. And perhaps you don’t think there is anything wrong, but wouldn’t you be happier if you verified those thoughts through facts that you could get by monitoring their use of the internet?    

what would you do?

A 10-year old kid registered for YouTube using his real name, his official school email address and claimed that he was 20. Was this your kid?

Luckily for this kid, his mother happened to walk by and see what he had done. She was smart and kept the computer in a common area in the house. But, as she learned, that’s just not enough anymore.

As a parent you hope your kids use their best judgment. But now with the internet, kids are being asked to make decisions that they are not mature enough to make. They don’t understand the consequences of their potential actions and instead think in the “now.”

You need to continually teach your child what is appropriate online behavior for their age. An eight year old doesn’t need a facebook page but perhaps a profile is appropriate for your 16 year old.

And you must check in with them and make sure they are following your guidance. With identity theft growing more common, you want to be sure that your child is protecting their identity as well as yours. You can do this with parental monitoring software, such as McGruff SafeGuard.

Netsmartz has some great age-appropriate internet safety pledges that you can use with your children. The pledges begin with simple rules for the youngest children and become more comprehensive as your child matures.

Make sure you take steps now to protect your child. It’s easier to teach them upfront than to deal with a potentially devastating aftermath if something bad was to happen.

making the online world real

Many kids online don’t think of the internet as the real world. Often they adapt different personas altogether. They don’t think about the ramifications that their behavior online could have in the physical world that we live in.

That’s why I was happy to see an article talking about a presentation that a team of middle school students in Jamestown, ND made to their classmates. The kids are part of iSAFE, a non-profit foundation whose goal is to educate students on how to avoid dangerous, inappropriate, or unlawful online behavior. iSAFE takes a unique approach by creating and distributing K-12 curriculum and community outreach programs to parents, law enforcement and community leaders.

The iSAFE team, made up of 3 students, made a presentation, including a skit, based on the true story of Christina Long, a young girl who was killed by an internet predator. Through the use of the skit, actual news coverage and interviews with Christina’s family, and guest speakers, the team was able to show students how even the most innocuous comments online can leave a trail of clues about you, where you live, your hobbies and your daily schedule.

I think this was great for two reasons. One it translated online behavior to offline consequences. And it also got people involved in internet safety from all levels. Rather than the middle school students simply listening to yet another lecture from an adult, they became active participants. I think more schools and families need to learn from this.

In fact, iSAFE offers training and programs for parents, educators and law enforcement as well as kids of all ages. If you’re a parent who wants to be active in your community and share your knowledge of internet safety, you can become involved with iSAFE. After all, don’t you want all children to be safe online? I know I do.

 

how do i start the discussion?

If you’re like many parents, you know you need to discuss online safety with your children but are not quite sure where to begin. First off, you want it to be a conversation, not a lecture. They have lots of knowledge about the internet and you might be able to learn something while teaching them about digital citizenship. And it can’t be a conversation that you have once and think that they are set for life. Technology changes and so do your kids.

Here are a few resources to use to start the conversation:

Digital Citizenship – The site is primarily aimed at educators, but your kids learn from you everyday so make sure they are learning the right things. Also a great repository of articles on current technology and digital citizenship topics.

Techlearning – A great list of questions you can use to start a conversation with your kids. Some, like #9, won’t apply, but the list covers many topics that you should be addressing. I especially like:

"Why do you think cyberbullying has increased and what can we do about it?"

"What is the most difficult computer problem you have ever encountered?"

"Can you give some good examples of what digital citizenship is about?"

iKeepSafe – Here are some family-oriented lessons on internet safety.

National Crime Prevention Council – A good resource for parents not just for internet safety but family safety and crime prevention overall.

Once you’ve talked to your kids and established guidelines for internet use, you will need to enforce the rules. It’s just like when I would come home past my curfew, I was grounded. You need to teach your kids that there are consequences for their behavior, good or bad, both off and online.

cause and effect – what if your child isn’t the victim?

Most of the time the media focuses on the victim. Heck, even I try to help parents learn what to do if their child is the one wronged online. But for every kid being hurt online, there is also someone causing the injury. What do you do if it is your child is the aggressor?

The Associated Press released an article yesterday entitled “Students Fight Back Against Gossip Site.” It focuses mainly on college-age students but similar things are happening to kids of all ages. They are being slandered online—tortured enough that some choose to commit suicide.

I’m sure you’re thinking that it’s not my kid doing the torturing. But it is someone’s kid.

The site profiled in the article, juicycampus.com, is just one example of how far people will go online to defame and harass someone. 

By knowing what your kids are doing online both with and without your knowledge, you are better able to correct their netiquette early on. You can learn what’s happening by monitoring their internet use. Without such guidance, it could be your kid posting horrible things about others online. It’s not just the schoolyard bullies who are acting out online. Sometimes it is the quiet kids whom you least expect. They can’t fight back in the physical world so they turn to the virtual one.

What can you do as a parent if you find out that your child is the bully? There are plenty of resources out there if your child is being bullied, but very few, if any, resources for parents of the bully. The steps you take are just as important as those taken by parents of victims. Some options are having your child apologize to those affected, restricting or removing internet access for a period of time, or other methods that you use in your family. The point is to treat the cyberbullying seriously and continue to monitor their internet use to make sure that they do not continue to harass others.

compare and contrast your family's online behaviors

Harris Interactive and Symantec released a survey yesterday that takes a look at online activities of people across the world. Let’s see how your family stacks up in a few areas.

Do your kids spend less than 20 hours a month online? If so, you’re ahead of the curve as the survey reports that kids in the US spend an average of 20 hours a month online. Surprising to me, parents think that their kids only spend 2 hours a month.

Do you know who your child’s friends are? Are they meeting people online? There is a good chance they are. In the US, 35% of kids ages 8-17 have made friends online, while 50% teens ages 13-17 have.

Who are your kids sharing their, and possible your, information with? Four in ten teens have been asked for personal information online. Did your kids ignore the request or share the information?

Do you visit social networking sites? Do your kids? Yes. In fact, 76% of teens visit social networking sites. Do you know what they are saying and posting there? You should. It will give you some more insight into your children, areas that they might not tell you about.

The fact that was most shocking to me is that only 33% of parents worldwide monitor their children’s online activities and set parental controls. I find this surprising because I think parents truly care about the safety of their children.

You as a parent have taught your children to look booth ways before crossing the street. I bet you didn’t let them just start running across it. You first would hold their hand and cross with them. As they got older they didn’t need to hold your hand but you were still by their side. You taught them about what the signals mean, red and green lights, walk and don’t walk signs.

Why not do the same with the internet? Start with the basics and keep an eye on your kids by using monitoring software. You’ll know what your children are up to and when it is time for them to be out on their own, you’ll be confident that they know how to stay out of trouble.

the double life your kids lead

Never a large watcher of PBS, at least not since I watched Sesame Street growing up, I was amazed to be on the PBS site the other day and find a series, Growing Up Online, that features stories about growing up online from your children’s point of view.

Being that I work at McGruff SafeGuard, I know that bad things happen to kids online. I wish these things didn’t but I can’t stop it. But I can help you, a parent, understand what’s happening and how you can help keep your family safe.

The Growing Up Online series is a great primer for parents as a real-life introduction to what kids go through everyday. And you can watch all six chapters online. It will help you understand why the internet is so important to your kids. They view it as a continuation of their offline lives. A place they can be themselves.

If you have older children, middle school and up, I recommend watching it with them. Discuss the stories with them. Talk about what is and isn’t allowed in your family. Talk about what your kids should do in the situations that are featured. And let them know there are many other things that may happen while they are online.

When watching the series, I was amazed by how much the parents could have learned about their kids lives by simply monitoring the family’s internet use. Things like anorexia, cyberbullying, sex, underage drinking, social networking, and more. Things that if parents knew they could address and get help for. In one of the cases featured, if the parents knew their son was being cyberbullied, they could have prevented his suicide.

Feel free to watch the series and let me know if there are issues you’d like me to discuss further. And, of course comments are always welcomed.

The nightmare next door

Allen Kauffman, a small-town mayor and church pastor, seems like the perfect man to have as a neighbor. Maybe he is in the physical world, but not in the virtual one.

In his virtual identity, he is a suspected pedophile and was recently arrested and charged with four counts of felony enticement of a child. Who was the child? Was it your 13-year-old girl? Could she have been the one he was trying to convince to send naked pictures and more of herself to him?

If it was your child, you might not know this was happening. You may assume your children are too innocent to partake in this type of activity or that if it happens they will tell you about it. Are you sure? Only 25% of children do. Are you sure enough to lay their lives on the line?

Fortunately Mr. Kauffman was arrested due to conversations with a decoy, Jim Murray, a 69-year-old retired police chief. And hopefully the justice system will make sure that he Mr. Kauffman can never again harm a child.

Like it or not, things like this happen every day on the internet. And just because you have a boy, your child isn’t exempt. Boys of all ages are solicited online just like girls.

You as a parent can and should take action to make sure that your child doesn’t become a victim. An easy way to keep an eye on what your kids are doing online is to install parental monitoring/control software. One such software, McGruff SafeGuard, is available free to families to help them stay safe online. By knowing what your kids are doing online, if they do run into trouble, you’ll be able to help them before it’s too late.

Bullies don’t just steal your lunch money anymore

When you hear the word bully, what image comes to mind? For me it’s Nelson on the Simpsons and his signature “Ha, Ha” on the school playground.

Bullying, as with everything else, has evolved with the increased use of the internet.  Kids, as creative as they are, are finding new ways to bully each other, courtesy of technology. Hence the proliferation of cyberbullying, defined by StopCyberbullying.org as “when a child, preteen or teen is tormented, threatened, harassed, humiliated, embarrassed or otherwise targeted by another child, preteen or teen using the Internet, interactive and digital technologies or mobile phones. It has to have a minor on both sides, or at least have been instigated by a minor against another minor.” In fact 43% of teens surveyed were cyberbullied in the past year, compared to 17% who experienced traditional bullying.

One of the parental users of McGruff SafeGuard experienced cyberbullying firsthand. “K” in West Virginia said, “My son was being bullied by girls. They were saying very mean things to him. McGruff SafeGuard helped me see that he was doing nothing to provoke this. I was able to talk to him and encourage him to ignore the comments and block the users that were saying these things to him. It opened the door for me to talk about etiquette and by pointing out that members of the opposite sex can be bullies too. … I was also able to put a stop to any foul language he was using in conversations and explain that the computer shouldn't be a license to say and do things he normally wouldn't."

“K” did en excellent job of handling the situation. In recent study by the National Crime Prevention Council (NCPC), over 70 percent of teens said that being able to block cyberbullies was the most effective method of prevention. And “K’s” situation isn’t unique. As reported in Red Orbit, 13% of girls and 8.6% of boys cyberbullied someone in the past 2 months. That’s millions of cases!

The best way to combat cyberbullying is to prevent it before it starts. One way to begin a discussion about cyberbullying with your younger children is by playing a game. McGruff offers a “Shrink the Cyberbully” game that your family can play. When your child chooses an option, whether it is right or wrong, explain why it is and what the benefits are of choosing the correct choice. For older kids, NCPC and the Ad Council posted videos on YouTube, one of a talent show and one of girls sitting at a kitchen table. These really capture the essence of cyberbullying, exposing the messages for what they are, hurtful, rude and harmful. I feel bad for the victim and wished the cyberbully never opened her mouth.

What can you do? Tell your children that if they are being bullied online that they should not respond. As illustrated by the “Shrink the Cyberbully” game, responding only makes it worse. If your child is being bullied, you can block the offending screen names in the instant messaging programs or in most parental control programs.

Teach your children that they can help by not writing or forwarding offending messages.

If you need more information on how to handle a situation, please let me know and I’m happy to help.

To tell or not to tell – a family dialogue about internet safety

Today I’d like to discuss what to do once you’ve decided to monitor your children’s internet use. This applies whether you are using a software package or simply checking your browser’s history.

I’m sure you’re wondering, why would I tell them if the whole point is to track what they are doing online? There are two reasons:

First, if you discover something and confront them, they will ask how you know? And you will have to tell them. Which could be awkward and better handled by telling them upfront.

Second: the simple act of telling your kids that you are monitoring them often acts a deterrent… if they know you may be monitoring, they are more apt to behave.

McGruff SafeGuard recommends that you tell your kids that you will be monitoring their Internet activity in order to help keep them safe. By establishing an open dialog early on, you will maintain a good relationship and it gives you the opportunity to establish Internet guidelines with your child.

When you’re talking to your kids about what they should and shouldn’t do online, have them sign an internet safety pledge and hang it next to the computer as a reminder to their agreement with you. Don’t be afraid to limit Internet use if the kids break the rules. An agreement can be downloaded from the National Crime Prevention Council.

Another thing you can do while talking to your kids about Internet safety is to have them show you what sites they go to, and be open and willing to discuss the inappropriate material they might come across. Kids don’t report things that they find that make them uncomfortable or that could even be dangerous because they are worried that their parents will be mad and possible punish them. By letting them know that it is not their fault if they come across something inappropriate, they are more likely to come to you when it happens. Hat tip to Netsmartz.

But good online parenting doesn’t end there.

• Check in with your kids regularly and discuss things that they may see in the news about the internet.

• Let them know that the internet isn’t a bad place.

• Remind them that they can get into dangerous situations online just like in the physical world.

• Keep the lines of communication ongoing as internet safety is an ongoing dialogue, not a one-time lecture.

And they most important message for your kids to remember is that you are doing this to help protect them because you love them.